Howard defends Brown’s attack on Rihanna
By Alexandra Heilbron on February 19, 2009 | 156 Comments
Terrence Howard spoke out in Chris Brown’s defence after hearing about the singer’s attack on girlfriend Rihanna, saying “It’s just life, man. Chris is a great guy. He’ll be alright. And Rihanna knows he loves her, you know? They’ll be alright.” Howard has since apologized for his remarks, calling them “insensitive,” but not before a previously unpublished 2001 attack on his estranged wife Lori came to light. According to a police report, Howard was on the phone with Lori, the mother of his three children, when he warned, “Don’t disrespect me by hanging up on me or I’ll come over and hurt you.” She hung up and contacted 911. While she was on the line with a police dispatcher, Howard showed up and began breaking the door down. Lori ran through the house and into the backyard. According to the report, Howard “broke the front door down and ran through the screen door in the kitchen. Howard then grabbed the victim’s left arm and punched her twice with a closed fist in the left side of the face.” Howard was stopped from further attacking his wife by his brother. When police responded to the scene, they noted there was “fresh damage to the front door and marks on the victim’s face and arm from being struck.” Terrence was charged with simple assault, terroristic threats, harassment and stalking. He pleaded guilty in 2002 to disorderly conduct. The couple divorced in 2003, then remarried in 2005 but are currently separated.
Oh yes cause beating a loved one is ‘just life’. I mean I know thats how I want my loved one to show me affection by beating my face in. What a pig.
REMARRIED! Seriously…she remarried this fool? If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s once you get away, YOU STAY AWAY! Once a woman beater, always a woman beater. I haven’t met a beater yet who has “changed”.
Oh, I might as well start defending myself now, because I know I will be accused of hating the “whole male race”……….I was speaking of ONLY the men who beat women…NOT all men, okay?
So Nancy, are you saying that although she may not ‘deserve’ to be abused, or was not ‘asking for it’, she should take some responsibility for putting herself in a situation where she ought to know she is risking her safety? If so, GOOD. I think it is time that people realize there is a difference between saying these people (mostly women) deserve to be abused, and saying that they should shoulder some of the responsibility for their choices.
What I mean is, that I know that these abusers “brainwash” the abusee but, if she has been away from that for 2 years then it doesn’t make sense to me that she went back..?? I don’t believe they were really separated at all. I think she must have been having regular visits with him while he was serving time for this and that he had to have been calling her regularly to keep up the brainwashing because if she had been away from this abuse for 2 years, I don’t believe she would have went back.
Oh. So she was brainwashed? So you are saying she shouldn’t take any responsibility for going back to him? That it wasn’t her choice? I think that is a stretch.
I can understand why some people (again, primarily women, but not exclusively) may stay in an abusive situation because of economic or self-esteem reasons, but when we are talking about people like Rihanna, who have the money, and should have the social support, it is really hard to believe that she didn’t have alternatives to staying with him (assuming she was abused in the past by him as she now reports).
And here we go again…..
In my opinion, all abused women are “brainwashed”. Yes, Rihanna does have money and whatnot and I don’t know what her reasons were for staying with him. Lots of women stay in the hopes that he will change…and they usually brainwash you into believing that they will change and that it won’t happen again.
It’s like talking to a wall, isn’t it Nancy?
Hollywood what a joke one of there own get beat by one of there own and its not a big deal. they’ll go to another country and voice their displeasure on abuse but in there back yard its ok . only a few had something to say and what they said was garbage.this girl got beat by a man that is not right on any level;dude should give his head a shake .
That’s a nice thing to say tributegirl.
When I started posting here, I had hoped that I would be treated with the same respect for my comments that I gave to others. I wanted to see and understand other people’s opinions and share alternatives, even if I didn’t necessarily believe them myself. But too often I have found my comments ridiculed and personal attacks made against me.
Obviously, there are too many here who aren’t open to discussion and different views. Obviously it is not the site for me.
So any of you, go ahead, say what you want about me or what I say. I don’t care. I know that I was always respectful of others, and that is all that matters to me.
Thanks to those who carried on thoughtful discussions, despite not agreeing with me. Keep your mind open, and continue to learn.
Good bye.
I am a man and have never hit a woman.
Any man that beats on a woman is point blank an insecure punk.
My own opinion, wrong. You have not been open minded to other peoples opinions, and you did belittle and ridicule other peoples opinions. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t dish it out.
I am really really sorry to see you go, my own opinion. Your comments are among the ones I most look forward to, I have enjoyed the many intelligent respectful aspects ou have expressed, I will miss you!
A tip…if you are still here…
I know it is very hard to look beyond the personal attacks, but maybe continue to address those you feel are “worthy” of your remarks, and try to ignore the backlash. I know they chime in anyhow in attack mode, unfortunate, but you cannot choose who responds on these sites, and there are way more interesting parties and only a handful of not so nice.
anyhow, take care…
“I know they chime in anyhow in attack mode”
SHUT UP JO-ANNE!
Woof!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Now that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!
Woof!
Sounds like Nancy and tributegirl need a beating to put them back in there place. Ahhhhhhhhhhh I miss the good old days, when you could smack a woman around and nobody blinked and eye. (wipes tear)
I’d like to see you try! Coward can’t even name himself, LOL.
Nancy don’t you have your cats to take care of, how are you able to spend so much time and such a strong voice against women beater(alidged) beater on tribute, you must live a lonly life, is there not a man in your life to tell you what to do?
Nice to see Max is back (not). Btw, what is “alidged”?
See Nancy and TG? If cannabis was legal, this type of aggression could be avoided.
no wonder he got recasted in iron man 2, Terrance isn’t a man he’s a iron woman beater…it’s hard for abused people like Rihanna or Chris to leave a bad relationship, it’s like trying to quit smoking or drinking…i wonder what set Chris off? was it her being annoying, nagging, jealous, insecure, latchy, mouthy, abusive verbaly that made Chris snap and lash out? whatever the reason, there’s never a reason to strike anyone…females want equality but yet when it’s time to go fist to fist, they pull the female card, not saying it’s ok to hit a female. All i’m saying is if it was 2 gay lovers in the car and they got into a scrap, would it be all over the news? hmmms….
Are you a man, about time? Doesn’t sound like it. Male, maybe, but not a man. Women want the same opportunities as men, they don’t want equality in the way you are trying to say (equally able to beat another person). Generally, women are smaller physically than men. That’s a biological fact. They would like to be treated with respect and paid the same for the same job. Are you threatened by that? That doesn’t mean they want to be beaten by a man. My god, “about time”, you sound like quite a sick puppy. I’m betting you don’t have a girlfriend. You certainly don’t deserve one with an attitude like that. And yes, if it was two male singers in that car, or two female celebrities and one emerged bloody and battered and bitten and the other one was not hurt at all and took off at a run before police could arrive, this would still be big news.
Alex you should maybe re read what I wrote,
“Terrance isn��t a man he��s a iron woman beater”
“whatever the reason, there��s never a reason to strike anyone”
“not saying it��s ok to hit a female”
Take a chill pill to reduce your Dyslexia.
If a female hockey player was allowed to play in the NHL and her role on the club was to spark the team and fight, as the opponent being a male do you drop the gloves? lol what if it was the UFC and it was male and female? or boxing? Society is full of biased feelings and false traditions and values.
Oh I read it. Was that supposed to mean something when you just negated it with this: “females want equality but yet when it��s time to go fist to fist, they pull the female card.” That makes you a misogynist (look it up) and as bad as Terrence Howard. I don’t give a damn what you said about him, you think he’s bad for hitting a woman? But you showed your true colours with that statement. Why don’t you get some counselling? Maybe then you’ll find a girlfriend.
Fighting in hockey is stupid and detracts from the game. And btw, most women don’t want to play hockey and definitely don’t want to get into a fight. Do you actually know any women, about time?
Seems I have hit a nerve, you must be gay. Who gave you the right to determine females can’t play in the NHL, you sound like a pig.
I hope the chill pill kicks in soon.
“Fighting in hockey is stupid and detracts from the game.” -Alex
No real hockey fan or man would say that lol I hope you only said that because I debunked your silly points.
Did I say women aren’t allowed in the NHL? WHERE? Please point out to me where I said that. I said most women don’t WANT to play hockey. Does your brain compute that as me saying that I personally determined that females aren’t allowed to play in the NHL? (By the way, they’re not, did you know that? But it wasn’t up to me and I couldn’t care less if they’re in it or not) READ SLOWER next time. Try to comprehend. And I sound gay, good one. Better that than a misogynist. Which you are. You don’t even know if I’m a guy or a girl. And damn right, you hit a nerve when you say “women want equality but yet when it��s time to go fist to fist, they pull the female card.” I hope you’re embarrassed one day when you read those pathetic words that came from your puny little brain.
It’s funny when you get insulted over the internet, I think it’s funnier to get a reaction. The whole point of this is for good discussion and if you look up, you take this too personally. Learn to have a discussion without resorting to crying. You said your point now move on, if that is how you interpret my points, that’s your opinion.
Seriously though, if you have some past wounds in a bad relationship and this topic is sensitive, for that I am sorry. I did not mean to offend anyone. Was just looking for a good discussion, not being sarcastic here.
Cheers.
God this forum is worse than cbc.ca.
Seriously! Get a life!
i think its rude that you would accuse alex of being gay. there is nothing wrong with a woman being with a woman, or a man being with a man, or a man and woman being with eachother. if ANYONE in a relationship is beaten by their significant other, IT IS WRONG. i dont care if they are red, blue, green, black, white, i dont care if they are gay, straight, aliens, dogs, cows, cats…IT IS WRONG. bottom line. so there is no reason for comments like *women want equality* because in all fairness, doesnt EVERYONE want equality? do you think men would find it fair if women were paid more for the same work etc?
Truth be told, I think there’s a pretty clear double standard going on here. Alex, you need to chill out. You talk about biological fact, but it sounds like you’re twisting things to make your stance seem more logical. Well, here’s a biological fact. Human beings are animals. Animals don’t always act in a rational manner. If you taunt and provoke an animal, they will often lash out aggressively and violently. Don’t believe me? Go provoke a rottweiler and see for yourself. We, as humans, are not above that. And anyone who claims they’ve never acted in a completely irrational manner is lying. You know it, I know, and everyone knows it. Biologically speaking, males use physical force more often. Females can’t compete physically, so they generally use psychological methods instead.
Chris Brown shouldn’t have hit Rihanna. That is obvious, but she shouldn’t have provoked him, either. She is just as much to blame for this situation. To dismiss him like he’s some sort of mindless psychopath is both insulting and misleading. I sincerely doubt he, or Howard, go around hitting women just to get their jollies. She didn’t deserve it, but she does need to take responsibilities for her actions too. Let’s have a little bit of fairness and compassion people.
I feel compelled to respond to this post for one of two reasons. Number one is that nobody deserves to be abused. Whether it is physical or emotional; nobody deserves it and thus nobody should take blame if that happens. I have read numerous times on here that she should have done this and she should have done that. Truth be told who can say anything unless they were in that situation at that exact time. Also, no matter what she did to provoke it, physical force was not warranted.
My second reason for posting is this: David, I am the proud owner of a purebred rotti. Come provoke him all you want. Taunt him, beat him, pull his tail and he will do nothing to you. He was raised right!! I guarantee it because if he was a risk to lash out I would not own him plain and simple.
I guess we disagree. There’s a difference between deserving abuse and bringing it on yourself. Rihanna didn’t deserve it, and I said as much. However, if she provoked Chris, then yes, she did bring it on herself. Her actions directly provoked him into behaving a certain way. And after dating for as long as they did, I’m sure knew exactly how to push his buttons. Ergo, she is partially to blame for actively deciding to get under his skin. Just because she didn’t break the law doesn’t mean she’s not partially responsible for this mess getting out of hand.
As for your dog, I’m sorry, but this is basic fight-or-flight response stuff. Everyone has their limit. Even your dog who was “raised right”. Being trained to behave a certain way isn’t going to erase millions of years of behavioural evolution. Animals are, in most cases, a risk, especially if you abuse them. This isn’t really even open for discussion. It’s common sense.
David, well said..
Careful, David and demigod. My Own Opinion made a similar point about responsibility versus deserving near the top of this story, and he/she seemed to have been scared off because of personal attacks from people like tribute girl. I hope you stay and continue to give opinions that are rational even if not popular or agreed with. Don’t resort to name-calling like some posters do here.
All these people who say she didn’t deserve it no matter what she did, (agreed) did you say the same thing about the person Kelly Osborne hit? Are you one of the people who says Chris Brown should be put in jail and let his cellmates do the same to him? (I guess whoever said those things thinks that physical violence isn’t ever justified no matter what you did, unless in their vengeful thinking, THEY say it is okay.)
So David, is Terrence Howard’s wife “as much to blame as he is” just for hanging up on him?
It has long been known, it’s a common occurrence in black culture. And this has nothing to do with racism, it’s a fact. This is why Howard’s attitude is: ‘Hey, what’s the big deal? She knows he loves her.’ For many of them, to their way of thinking, it is no big deal when this happens.
I’m Terence you are a pretty good actor. But in real life you are a f**king idiot.
I thought maybe it was just on the set of Iron Man, but come on bra you telling me it “just life” to hit women. Grow up you f**k.
As for Chris Brown come down to the T.Dot ya botty boy and tell me it’s ok to hit women bitch!
Sorry Robyn but I agree with David.
People get attacked by their pets all the time, just because your dog was ‘raised right’, he is still an animal and I hope you realise that.
Thats the kind of mentality that gets some women in trouble, they hook up with ‘troubled’ guys hoping that they will be able to ‘fix’ them.
In response to the Riahanna and Chris Brown situation I wasn’t there so I can’t comment directly at that, but it’s never right to physically or psychologically abuse ‘anyone’.
Pinprick, you are so dead on with the Osborne remark…I recall some women cheering her on in total agreement with what she did…good remark…also re my own opinion, I am happy to see you picked up on that one
violence, hitting, shoving, bullying is wrong, plain and simple, whether man or woman…
and David, your remarks are very well put, I couldn’t have said it better myself…total agreement
way to go, people.
David, I am not sure that you are totally aware of what you are promoting here. By your standards, anyone who cuts someone off in traffic, cuts in line at a store or entertainment park, argues with someone at a store about the price of something would partially deserve to be beaten because they might have caused the other person to be provoked (any you logic allows for everyone to have a different threshold for their anger, I’m sure you though of that). You’ve also just gave an answer to all questions regarding road rage. “Yes officer, I deserved to be shot because I cut that other guy off, and evidently his animal instinct kicked in”.
Perhaps you’re aware of these things called ‘LAWS’ that we have. Appearently, a long time ago, someone somewhere said “hey, we’re not like dogs or lions or sharks, we have the ability to control our actions, so lets have a law that says if you attack someone without it needing to be self defence, lets call that ASSAULT”.
As well, I suppose I should warn you that you might want to be careful if you ever run into any of the women in this post, because I’m pretty sure that their “animal instinct” is kicking in as they read your post.
should have said “your logic” not “any you”
@ Fraydeecat saying “this has nothing to do with racism” doesn’t make it not racism.
“For many of them” that’s another dead giveaway of the kind of post you are making.
I would really like to know where you get your facts from?
What other ‘facts’ do you have to share in regards to black culture?
Let me tell you a ‘fact’, racism is prejudice, and the fact that you have these prejudices against another race, kinda makes you a racist.
@ ashamed, get over yourself and re-read David’s post intelligently he isn’t advocating anything.
And I didn’t see him mentioning anywhere that abuse is sometimes warranted, he simply explained why it does happen at times, not why it should happen, because we all know it should never happen.
ashamed, there is a BIG difference between saying someone “deserved” to be hit or someone “brought it on”…
David clearly stated the latter, yet your argument is hellbent on stating the opposite…people justifying their abusive actions to the law, claiming others “deserved” abuse because they were provoked.
I believe David’s statement was simply that Rhianna allowed the situation to escalate to what it did by her actions, she was totally aware of the kind of man she was keeping company with, yet choose provocation to add to an increasingly volatile situation….
At no point did David say she or anyone DESERVED this abuse…
and I agree.
Well if anyone is beat – it is a bad thing. People on the internet are crazy man, crazy life a fox. I do not believe in beating people. It is just wrong.
if you read his post carefully, he is saying that we should all be prepared for bad things to happen if we provoke people. he says it’s natural because of our instincts, so in fact he is saying that it can sometimes be expected/warranted because we’re animals and can’t control ourselves
“Human beings are animals. Animals don��t always act in a rational manner. If you taunt and provoke an animal, they will often lash out aggressively and violently. Don��t believe me? Go provoke a rottweiler and see for yourself. We, as humans, are not above that. And anyone who claims they��ve never acted in a completely irrational manner is lying. You know it, I know, and everyone knows it. Biologically speaking, males use physical force more often.”
regardless of if he eventually says it was wrong, he still argues that she should have expected it, and take some blame for it, because she provoked “an animal”. perhaps you should ask him to intelligently think through what he says. an i have nothing to “get over”, i already know that we as humans have the ability to control ourselves, and i also already know that making excuses for those kind of actions is incredulous, and in fact, scary.
Rhianna should just dump the guy. Who cares what Terrence Howard says. Is he not a has-been?
There is a double standard. I was formerly married to an abusive drug-addicted woman. She would give me black eyes, bruises, etc. I had to let her because if I fought back I’d be the bad guy because I’m bigger and stronger. The police never did anything (and they were there regularly) until she finally hit me with a car. But when she was abusing my young daughter and I stepped between them and brushed her (yes just brushed by her) I was arrested.
jo-anne, my apologies, but his arguement is that by bringing it on by provoking him, she is somewhat to blame
therefor, my arguement is not all that wrong. in any case where we “provoke” people, we should expect that a violent outcome may occur “especially from males”, because we cannot assume that people can control themselves. to use his dog analogy, if you taunt a dog, or do something to make a dog angry and it bites you, people usually say you “deserved it” because you provoked it. can we not then argue that by comparing ourselves with animals, saying we have the same instincts, that provoking someone into violence, not only is our fault, but deserving because we should know that all “animals” will become violent when provoked?
I still think you are putting your own twist on his words, Alex.
yes, I 100 percent agree if you choose to provoke a person who you KNOW has acted abusively towards you in the past, of course you can expect it may result in abuse again. Of course, Rhianna should have expected it MIGHT happen again – no?
With regards to taking blame for it, if you know there is a serious abusive person you are dealing with – WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PROVOKE THAT PERSON???
Yes, we as humans have the ability to control ourselves, but not everyone has the same anger/control levels…it is very obvious many struggle with anger issues and are in need of assistance to manage their anger. You can’t bunch everyone in the same category and expect we all would make the same choice you or I would when it comes to an explosive situation like this. Many cannot manage anger and resort to the WRONG actions.
No one is making an excuse for them, again you are twisting this, just saying…
IF YOU ARE AWARE THE PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH HAS ANGER ISSUES, USE YOUR ABILITY TO WALK AWAY… we all, as humans, have that ability, no?
worst care scenario, it’s explaining abuse using science “fact”
best case scenario, it’s a very slipperly slope of placing blame on domestic abuse
i don’t like to think that i’m twisting words, just playing the devils advocate. the words can be interpreted many different ways, and mine is just one of them.
and Canada Guy, totally agree, the law is the law, regardless of gender
Is this guy for real!!!!
That is not life! That is not love!
That’s why his acting life is on hold, hoping it stays that way and even if Chris B. did good songs he will have the same end.
well, I am happy to say we agree to disagee then, ashamed.
and even happier you didn’t resort to lowly name calling and offensive remarks like so many on here sadly do, when disagreement arises.
Your argument was well worded and you chose a different view, all good. It is a enjoyable debate when handled this way, I hope to see more of it. have a great day.
Alex,
Noone should be hitting anyone. Both women and men have the right not to be assaulted. That’s equality. �I��m equal so don��t hit me.��
Just to clarify – I’m agreeing with Alex.
Wow, after grabbing my popcorn and enjoying the drama I’d thought I’d chime in with some words to echo some intelligence I saw here.
First of all, domestic violence, whether male to female, female to male (don’t act like it doesn’t happen), male to male (gay), etc…IS WRONG.
Terence Howard’s comment was a bit awkward considering he himself hit his then wife.
Fact is men who beat on their wives are making up for other inadequacies in life. The women who stay with them are not “Brainwashed”, but they do feel a responsibility which is genetic for a female to “care” for all within her personal space. Thus she would feel by staying that she can help him get over his problem or at times thinking if she leaves she worsen his problem and thus she must bear this problem herself.
For stars to do this is absurd, but only shows how basic even the “elite” are.
It’s a shame Chris Brown couldn’t just leave Rihanna if she really provoked this incident as now he has marred his career for life.
Kinda reminds me of how many young, black stars make one huge mistake and end what would’ve been a prosperous life…. ie: Michael Vick, Jamal Lewis, Plaxico Burris…etc..
As a 26 year old, married, successful, black male, it’s a hard pill to swallow…but then again, my mother raised me well and my father hit on my mother so I know what is was like to see it and will never fall to the same mistakes.
A man shouldn’t hit a woman period. A woman shouldn’t hit a man period. It shouldn’t matter who was provoking who. IT JUST SHOULDN’T HAPPEN!
it never said anywhere that she provoked him, everyone who says she got what she deserved because she provoked him, you are all IDIOTS! you dont know that she provoked him you are just ASSuming!
come on guys! he said he is sorry….many people out here do worst things, even @age 40. the dude is 19 and has apologized, we all make mistakes. he is going to have to learn how to treat a woman better…. and ya’all hating t.howard go get a life.
okay now Alex, back up here. Those words you quote are from “about time’s” post – where did I say I agreed with that?????
and anonymous, who here said “she got what she deserved”???? I believe they’ve all agreed she DID not deserve that, regardless if provocation happened or not…
ashamed and II i completely agree with all of your posts. phil why would apologizing make it ok? he still HURT her. emotionally it will take her a very very long time to heal, and no amount of apologies or statements is going to change what he did to her or how shes going to feel for the rest of her life. when someone abuses you, any way shape or form, you change…you become someone else. you have major trust issues. after being abused, when you DO find a good man and he reaches to touch you, you cringe. you cant help that. and apologizing doesnt make you feel safe, or in less pain. i bet you he apologized to her EVERY single time he hit her. so she should just accept it and move on?
Ashamed, Jo-Anne summed up exactly what my point is. There is no need to read my post carefully or twist my words. It is straightforward and concise. I’m not saying it’s alright. I’m explaining why it happened in this case. If people understand what causes it, they can avoid getting into that kind of mess in the future.
You don’t date someone for that long without knowing how to knock the other person off their game in an argument. She deliberately pushed his buttons, and by doing so, provoked him. Rihanna obviously knew her actions would frustrate him, and probably wanted the satisfaction of hurting him back (emotionally) – especially if he was cheating on her. What she probably didn’t expect was that he would fly off the handle and hit her. She didn’t deserve that. It was a moment of irrationality on his part, and poor judgement on her part.
If you go to a funeral and start telling the deceased’s loved ones that he/she is going to burn in hell, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to get punched in the face. Who disagrees with this statement? You don’t necessarily deserve it (well, I don’t think anyone would feel sorry for you), but you did bring it on yourself. You, and you alone, made the conscious decision to pursue a course of action that would provoke others into a negative and irrational state of mind, resulting in an assault on your person. And we all know the law wouldn’t differentiate between either situation.
The bottom line is: use common sense, people. Just because you CAN provoke someone, doesn’t mean you should.
I am currently shocked to have read this article! Terrance Howard was one of my favourite actors until now…… I have lost any respect that I may have had.
You do not show your love for anyone with violence in any form!
David, I was carefully expressing I thought you were not in agreement with her DESERVING to be hit….
if ashamed summed it up correctly then, as you say, I guess I am not understanding what you meant at all.
I totally GET the reasons you are giving for WHY you think it happened, my only point was I thought you said she was NOT deserving of this, ashamed stated you felt she WAS…I was attempting to focus on that one point only.
guess you got it ALL right then, ashamed…
David,
The problem with statements like “she deliberately pusehd his buttons”, “but she shouldn��t have provoked him, either” or “she is just as much to blame for this situation” you’re placing at least some of the blame/fault/responsibility on her. People are responsible for their own actions. If Rihanna yelled at Mr. Brown or was mean to him then she’s responsible for those actions. But Mr. Brown is solely responsible for his actions.
well said canada guy, and sorry to have read about what happened to you. i stated earlier in this article : if ANYONE in a relationship is beaten by their significant other, IT IS WRONG. i dont care if they are red, blue, green, black, white, i dont care if they are gay, straight, aliens, dogs, cows, cats��IT IS WRONG.
and i do stand by what i said. she should have been arrested (especially if you told the police about it) and charged, and FORCED into anger management. im glad to know that youre ok.
Abuse is Abuse!
That is true. EVRYONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS AND THE CONSEQUENCES THAT COME ALONG WITH THEM. If Rihanna somehow provoked him, by either striking him first, yelling at him, insulting or him, etc. then she is responsible for those actions and the consequences that came along with them, whether she deserved it or not. Chris is responsible for his actions to physically abuse her & the consequences that he will get: criminal charges, career fall, etc.
Jo-Anne and Canada Guy,
I don’t think she was deserving of being hit at all. No one should hit others, unless you’re defending yourself. Period. That law is in effect for a reason – to protect others from having their rights infringed. That said, if you deliberately provoke someone knowing that your words could potentially lead to an assault, you are partly to blame for the situation. You knew your words would make the person irrational. As I pointed out above, humans are animals. And animals are not always in control of their actions.
Chris Brown broke the law. For that he will be punished. But Rihanna – and women like her – need to make better judgement in their actions. I dated a girl who had a tendency to get physical when she was emotional. When we broke up and I slept with someone else, she exploded and made threats against me. I could have said a lot of things to hurt her, but I didn’t. Why? Because I used my judgement not to aggravate an already volatile situation. If I had, and she had carried through with her threats, I would be partially to blame for not keeping my mouth shut.
Just because you’re legally allowed to provoke them doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
David, agree, no one deserves to be hit…agree, you shouldn’t choose to provoke…agree agree agree – didn’t I say all that before?
for the record, I think you used good judgement to back off the potential volatile ex-girlfriend situation, exactly as I stated would have been Rihanna’s best option, back off.
crackle, you see flames begin, you have a choice – throw water or gasoline on the early flames…
put out the potential fire, walk away
Well, if one don’t want to get beaten – one should shut their trap. Some women are just asking to be beaten…and since they demand equality, why should they be treated any differently than one male to another. I say, if a woman disrespects you, you should beat her like you would any other guy. And if a woman wants to beat a guy, I’d say go for it. I am all for EQUAL RIGHTS!!!
I cannot beloeve the mentality, it is not alright to hit anyone, and to do this because if something as childish as they hung up, yeah right, you have anger issues to say the least, and I really hope that every woman that has ever been vicitized finds the courage to press charges. Maybe then these low life men will own up to their problems.
Wow, I just read through a large chunk of these posts. They aren’t even about the topic at hand. They seem to be about children in a play ground fighting over a swingset. Humans are too opinionated for their own good. Violence is wrong to men or women, nuff said.
Abuse is all about control no matter who started it.
I am the survivor of an abusive relationship. At 5’6″ and 125 lbs I was no match for my 6’5″ 220 lb boyfriend. I was a young adult at the time and thankfully got out. For those of you who say, “She shouldn’t have pushed his buttons or provoked him” that’s exactly what my abuser used to say to me. “Provoking” him was something as simple as me glancing at something and him thinking I was looking at another guy. Abuse, whether emotional, verbal or physical is never acceptable.
I only read half way down o if this got covered sorry, everyone has gone way off the topic. The point is a guy beat up his girlfriend, would it had made the news if it was two guys or two women, not if they weren’t famous. This happens all the time (unfortunately) and the only reason anyone cares this time is cause they are celebrities. Point is violence (verbal or physical) is something that can be controlled in normal people and (not that this is an excuse) celebrities tend to live high stress lives, always having to care what you people think about them, where the photographers are, who’s filming them. As for the people who said maybe she deserved it, Legally its never acceptable to hit a woman, not even in self defense. I have a buddy who was attacked by his wife (no prior abuse on either side) who had a knife, he was getting ready to cook and happened to have a frying pan in his hand. Now when there is a person with a knife coming at you, anything you do should be self defense. He did time, he hit her once. but you never heard about it cause he never made a movie or put out an album. The fact is assault is assault, the sex of the victim or the attacker shouldn’t matter, that’s equality. And just to cheer everyone up maybe a Rhianna song came on the radio I know her music makes me want to hit people.
rocco, the day someone abuses you, you will most definitely change your mind about this situation. it makes me sick to think there are people like you in the world that condone spousal abuse. daddysgirl, im glad that you managed to walk away. david i think youre getting a little repetitive and boring. everyone has read your statement, theres no need to continuously say the exact same thing with just a little bit of a difference. we all KNOW (and most of us disagree) with the comments youre making, and saying it over and over again is not going to change that. it is never the victims fault. EVER. regardless of the situation, regardless of the age, sex, or race of the person. no matter how many times you say it, it will never be true.
I know, Jo-Anne. 🙂 Ashamed was twisting my words and suggesting I was meaning something completely different. You caught my meaning bang-on the first time. I’m sorry if you thought I was jumping at you. I just wanted to clarify.
People get all up in arms about men beating women, and rightly so, but I think the overall theme of violence is a bigger issue here. Would it have been any better if Chris Brown beat up a white teenage boy, probably not, but I doubt it would get the same attention…
no worries, David, thanks
it is getting confusing, I almost have to reread everthing on here with the mountain of words, misinterpretations, etc.
I so get the meaning you are attempting to put forth and I also get your repeated attempts, due to misinterpretation, still.
That happens a lot on here. Sometimes better to put it to rest (although I must admit I don’t always follow my own advice here, I get so annoyed with what I believe to be deliberate attempts by many to “accidentally” misinterpret so as to stir it up) after a bit cuz it is futile to keep reiterating your point and people INSIST on a completely different interpretation than what you are, in my opinion, OBVIOUSLY stating.
Thanks for your clarification directed to me though, appreciated.
I admit I haven’t read every response but I did notice a few people mentioned that Rihanna or abused women in general usually know what provokes a man into becoming violent. I realize some people wonder why a woman would repeat actions that cause a man to hit her. Keep this in mind…
My friend just got out of an abusive relationship with a guy she lived with. He did not hit or or even become angry with her until after she moved in. Here are some of the things she did to “provoke” him.
1) she put on lip gloss before she went grocery shopping (this meant she was obviously trying to get another mans attention)
2) She called her mother twice in one day…it’s not long distance or anything and she just forgot to tell her something but her boyfriend said she was suppossed to be a grown up
3) She was 19 minutes late getting home from work. She does have to take 2 buses to get home but he felt that 19 minutes was excessive and another indication she was cheating
He never left bruises but once yanked her arm almost out of her socket.
He told her every single day how lucky she was to have him and that no one would love her her the way he did. He bought her flowers and jewelry and wrote love poems and gave back rubs and got violent 3 times and after each time he explained why it was her fault…that she provoked him and that he would never do it again.
Luckily she smartened up after the third time.
Not all women do and IT IS NOT THIER FAULT! Don’t talk about what a person does to “provoke” someone into beating them…it is never right. Do we then decide that people can provoke others into raping them or shooting them.
There is no acceptable excuse for hitting another person other than self defense.
Yeah Terrence its okay to hit a girl, where the heck did you grow up? So classless, Rihanna can do much better
elonwy very very good post. im glad that others see it from the womans point of view. i think its a terrible situation, and i cant stress how glad i am (and proud of) everyone that has managed to find the strength to LEAVE the abuser behind.
It is never ok to hit a woman !!
No wonder Terrence thinks what Chris Brown did was fine and dandy. He is a wife beater too. 🙁
Elonwy, I think your post said it all. Seriously, I’m very happy that your friend found the strength to leave, many seem to not have the strength, or believe they don’t have it, and stay until the bitter end.
Speaking of “stirring it up” Jo-Anne, you’ve proved my point a couple times today on this article that yes, you do “stir it up”. I see you’re back to the word play thing…at least when I have something to say to or about you, I use your name I don’t say things like, “and even happier you didn’t resort to lowly name calling and offensive remarks like so many on here sadly do, when disagreement arises” OR, regarding the comment about the Kelly Osbourne article, “I recall some women cheering her on in total agreement with what she did” OR “I get so annoyed with what I believe to be deliberate attempts by many to “accidentally” misinterpret so as to stir it up”. Nah, not you right? You don’t “stir things up” do you?
Anyways, you TOTALLY contradicted yourself, YET AGAIN. You don’t agree with hitting, you don’t think Kelly Osbourne should have slapped that reporter who “PROVOKED” her but yet, you agree with David’s “provoking” comments…????? And yes, I did tell you to shut up and I did say “woof” to you and I will again and again and again because you can’t just leave well enough alone…you keep “pushing my buttons” and “provoking” me…maybe you should “back off”, “put out the potential fire, walk away” instead of “throwing gasoline on the fire”. 😉
Wow you guys really know how to go off on tangets!
1. No one has the right to hit another person.
2. Anyone who does hit someone smaller and weaker is a bully and coward.
3. IF and that’s a big IF she did provoke him. If he was mature, responsible adult he would have walked away from the situation.
4. Yes, humans are animals, but what separates us from the rest of the animals on the planet is our intelligence, our ability to reason, our knowledge of right and wrong.
5. Drama is great for rating on tv and sells lots of movie tickets. In real life it destroys relationships, damages self-esteem.
It’s time adults starting acting like adults, learn to solve problems with discussion not fists.
Sad.
Doesn’t look like certain people can discuss something rationally without providing straw-man arguments or resorting to childish tactics. Thankfully people like this represent a minority in society.
Right on David and Nancy.
Stop “provoking” me, David! LMAO.
Oh, and can anyone guess what kind of “animal” I think ‘someone’ is? Here’s the clue:
“woof”
DID ANY OF YOU OPINIONATED FOOLS REALIZE THAT YOU WERE BORN WITH TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH! ….
ALL OF YOU … STOP TALKING FOR ONE MINUTE, BREATHE AND LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW!
THERE IS A REAL WORLD OUTSIDE OF THIS STUPID COMPUTER BLOG.
YOU ARE LIVING A VERY CLOSED LIFE WITH A LIMITED VIEW! AND YES, I’M YELLING, BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD ON HERE.
HELLO!
Thank-you … “I’m good at smacking my lips, not people!”
Violence against anyone is unacceptable period.Those who resort to it in high stress situations are obviously incapable of properly articulating themselves like intelligent human beings.
Oh, and My Own Opinion your good bye post is pathetic.What a drama queen you are.
Ok, so let me get this right….we are all supposed to “look out the window” while you type on “THIS STUPID COMPUTER BLOG”, is that what you’re saying, MY OPINION IS THE BEST?
OMG! I see snow…and trees…and snow…oh, there goes a car! Now, if only I could find my cats…
oh my god, here we go again. If I only came online a little earlier in the week, I would of spend time supporting arguments. I haven’t read all the information here, but I wondered if we all met up, I wonder what WILL happen. Theres a few people in this conversation that really needs to know how to think properly. I wish Rihanna all the best.
i am a victim if domestic abuse and i am still with my bf and we are doing great..it’s been years now since the situation happend and he knows he fuked up and will always regret it…did i abandon him …no..because he need help and not recent..he got couseling he seeked the helped he needed and it’s been years and we havnt had that issue again..every situation is different but its unfair ti say ppl dunt change..it’s human nature to change…with our situation..i am not brainwashed i am a very educated girl..and i know i instigated him…like i know his limit and everyone knows their partners limit and i pushed is limit either way..my point being it is so unfair to say a man shudnt hit a woman point blank..we are all humans ans have our limits to…if yu keep anoying me eventually i will loose control and hit yu…but there is a difference when a man goes home and beat his wife cuz she gave him lip or he felt she was rude..who is he ,they both grown thats wrong…in conclusion keep ur hands to urself woman and man…and me and my bf are doing great
Jam said it, abuse is about control. Whether it’s in the form of physical(beating)or psychological(manipulation,verbal threats,insults etc.)
There are no laws against psychological abuse, but it can be used in the defence of the physical abuser(assaulter)in court, to get a more lenient sentence.
I once made the point in that K.Osbourne article, that psychological abuse can often be more damaging than physical abuse, and stand by it.
Just wanted to say I saw the photo of Rihanna, I just felt so sick.
I want to pay Chris Brown a visit, and every single loser like him. Payment is due, Chris, and yours is coming!!!!!!
You are not a man … if you hit a woman, and if I find you, or ever see this happening, I’m going to put my fist through your ____ and then I’m going to put it through your chest and rip your heart out!
GO SEE THE PIC AND THEN COMMENT.
Nancy,you’re making a spectacle of yourself. You’re so easily provoked. Muzzle it already.
Whatever, dummigod! I’d love to “muzzle” you and Jo but, well, we don’t always get what we want do we?
Clever tough girl, real clever. dummigod….come on can’t you come up with something better than that. Maybe your alter ego tributegirl can when she posts shortly.
woof
Maybe…”Mr. Jo-Anne” 😛 Her sister left so now she has you, how sweet.
it doesn’t get much cleverer than that, Jim, unfortunately that’s about all there is…
except, of course, save the many posts of hers Tribute has previously deleted, again shining examples of same “cleverness”…
I used to really like Terrence and love his work…NOT anymore! I won’t watch ANYTHING else he does….boycott Terrence…boycott any and ALL insecure women beaters. They do it once, they’ll do it again, and again, and again despite the crockadile tears, the pleading, and promises, promises, EMPTY promises not to do it again. Believe me, I’ve been subpeoned to my best friend’s murder trial, I’ve had to leave the man that I loved (and my big beautiful house) and take our son 3,000 miles away even though I still loved him. If I had stayed, he would have inevitably killed me. He has since died of cancer…where would our son be now without a Father AND a Mother?
I tell all of my younger girlfriends…get him drunk (see what he’s like)…get him very angry (see what he’s like). If he passes these two simple tests, he’s a KEEPER.
Please, Rihanna, don’t go back to him for the sake of (young dillusional) love. The NEXT time may very well be your LAST!
Look for a soul-mate that is your BEST FRIEND. Beautiful looks aside…think 30 yrs. ahead…you want a man who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. A man that you could talk to ’til the end of time and you just KNOW that he would do ANYTHING for you.
My 1st. (ex) husband died suddenly of a stroke but we remained the BEST of friends til the end. My Mother never forgave me for leaving hime (I was young, and stupid, and looking for something more exciting). ALWAYS, ALWAYS, listen to your Mother!!!!!
Rihanna, if you do go back to Chris your time is numbered. Please don’t do it. You truly are BETTER than that. Don’t WASTE your life.
Nothing harder than leaving the man that you love but it’s better than DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow…since I do not claim to know either members of this party, I can not really say anything about what happened. However, what I do know, as a child growing up in an abusive home, if you grow up thinking this is normal then how do you know anything different.
No I do not accept what he did! No one, not a woman, man or child deserves to be abused no matter what they do!!!! It just explains the mind set of someone who’s been through it.
Abuse is a very sad thing. I remember telling myself that I would NEVER let that happen to me. You hear about these stories of women being victims of domestic violence, sometimes ending up in the hospital..only to return to the abuser. You think to yourself why would she do that? Why would anyone stay in such a destructive and violent situation? The thing is, the abuser does not start to hit you out of the blue. It is a gradual process that involves slowly breaking down the woman (or the man), destroying her self esteem…creating a situation where he has pushed out the people that care about her,isolated her, sometimes making her financialy dependant…it’s a complicated process. But by the time the first sign of verbal, emotional or physical abuse shows up, it’s pretty much too late. The woman is already defeated and to get out of the situation is extremely difficult. I should know. I was once in an abusive relationship.
This article sure brings out all the victims.
I think marriage in general is an abuse!lol Nothing more controlling than that 🙂
thats a rude and insensitive comment demigod. if you dont like to read about the SURVIVORS of abuse, perhaps you should be on an article that doesnt discuss abuse? clearly its going to have victims of abuse speaking out about what they went through and how they managed to survive and walk away before it ended in their own death. this article also brings out the psychos and the other abusers (the ones that feel the need to defend someone who beats his wife??) so before you start yapping about *sure brings out the victims* maybe you should think for a few minutes about how that could possibly offend or upset some of these SURVIVORS…not victims.
Mandee..my god, take a chill pill. You’re so uptight..you need to lighten up. You’re such a ball of estrogen.
This article isn’t bringing out some victims? Sorry, SURVIVORS. Was I offensive? I just made an observation. You and I are not on the same wavelength. You need to stop posting about what I’m saying. You don’t get me. It’s all going over your head.
if i take offense to something you state about anyone who tells their own story, it INCLUDES me because ive told my story. i think you need to watch what you say to people who have clearly already been through more than their fair share of bad situations. and im not uptight, im sympathetic and compassionate. which is more than i can say for someone like you that seems to think women deserve to be beat. and so what if i dont get you? like i said, if ONE person can take offense, im sure i wont be the ONLY one to take what you said as rude and an insult to anyone thats ever been abused. you dont need to point out something so obvious (as us telling our stories) im sure we can ALL read. and im glad im not on “the same wavelength” as you, because youve made it pretty clear to just about everyone that youre an idiot. im glad im not in that same class of human as you are. and i will post about whatever i want, if you dont like it, dont read my stuff. or perhaps, stop posting such terrible comments.
Mandee, you can stop right there. Enough with the drama. You’re mis-reading me, and it’s not the first time. I never said women deserve to be beaten.
I’ve been reading a lot of the posts here and the point of views are very interesting, but I didn’t see anyone respond to this post by Daddy’s girl who was in an abusive relationship…
“I am the survivor of an abusive relationship. At 5��6�� and 125 lbs I was no match for my 6��5�� 220 lb boyfriend. I was a young adult at the time and thankfully got out. For those of you who say, �She shouldn��t have pushed his buttons or provoked him�� that��s exactly what my abuser used to say to me. �Provoking�� him was something as simple as me glancing at something and him thinking I was looking at another guy. Abuse, whether emotional, verbal or physical is never acceptable”
I just wanted to point this out because there are some on here who are debating that Rihanna should take responsibility for her part of the situation. For those of you who hold that opinion, what do you think of Daddy’s Girl situation? Where do you draw the line between what is reasonable provocation that you think the victim should take some responsibilty for… and what provocation is unreasonable. It seems that for Daddy’s Girl, even glancing up would push her abuser’s buttons. Would she then be expected to look at the floor all day so she wouldn’t provoke him? And if she looked up knowing that he would be angry at this – then would she be expected to take some responsibility for doing something she knew would set him off?
I realize that we’re probably dealing with different extreams with regards to what qualifies as ‘provoking,’ but really, sometimes the line can become blurred. I don’t know what Rihanna said to Chris Brown before he hit her (some on here have said she knows that he can react in this way… but I haven’t heard anything about her being abused before. Was she? How do we know that this wasn’t the first time he hit her and she had no way to expect a violent response?)
I just think that we need to be really careful when saying that Rihanna needs to take some responsibility. I did a class about violence against women and learned that many of the women who stay or go back to abusive relationships do it because they feel that they need to take responsibility for a role that they may have played in causing the abuse. They blame themselves for provoking their partner and do their best not to provoke them again. They become afraid to express any emotions (even when they have a right to express something like anger) for fear of bringing on a violent reaction. Can you imagine what it must be like to live in fear of expressing your own emotions? To keep a constant check on what you say or do for fear of a violent reaction in someone who is supposed to love you?
And the thing is…. most women find that even though they are making an effort not to provoke their abuser, they eventually end up being hit again anyways.
I’m wondering if he’s really ever been abusive before that night. She’d never had to cancel concerts and go into hiding prior to this. Did anyone ever notice any marks on her face or throat before? She’s in the public eye so much that if he had hurt her before, it must have been very minor compared to this. I’m guessing what happened that night was a complete shock to her.
Ok…I have read most comments and all are very interesting indeed. Bottom Line…I think both Chris and Rihanna should seek therapy together to try to work things out. Violence to any human or animal for that matter is wrong. If therapy solves nothing, each should walk way from each other and move on with life.
My point exactly Anonymous. It’s largely to do with culture. There are cultures that consider this behaviour normal and it’s a very common occurrence among them. How do I know? Well I’m not brainwashed, Im very educated person so I just thinked it an ppl shudnt hit even if they seeked couseling after he fuked up so dunt hit its bad.
well, i thot more of terrence howard,thot he was a gentleman, but it goes to show don’t trust a book….
as a victim of spousal abuse i understand how it can be forgiven but it should never be forgotten. what a disappointment about both men.
Fradeecat doesn’t sound very educated..
Dave M…
You should learn how to spell ‘their’ before you start shooting off your mouth!
Fraydeecat was making reference to Jemmy’s post where she apparently seemed to think she was at fault for provoking the beating she got, inferring that she actually deserved it and in the same context, claiming her comment was from an educated girl, not someone brainwashed. She goes on to say that if you keep annoying her she will hit too. My guess is that she is also from this culture that considers this behaviour the norm, provoked, or rightly deserved. An educated post that was difficult to read. I was agreeing with your posted point that if you’re brought up in this environment, how should you know the difference to what’s right and wrong, normal, or not. Was trying to tie your point in with the post Jemmy made to highlight my own point.
what an a**hole! thats life? how about he walk in an abused females shoes, i bet he’ll think different. misogynist pig. rihanna knows chris loves her? from that? yeah right, quite the opposite. terrance seems like such an arrogant ass; even interviews ive seen of him, he’s so full of himself; reality check terrance, you’re not that good an actor and certainly no brad pitt.
Awwe…actually Jo-Anne, not that many of my posts have been “deleted” at all…and the ones that were…well, they were addressed to YOU! At least my comments don’t ‘AWAIT MODERATION’ and have to be re-typed 4 times!! Hahahahahaha…and then go through…ALL 4 TIMES! 😛
To the person named ‘action’ who says Rihanna & Chris should seek therapy together…ARE YOU NUTS? What, you think she should take him back so he can kill her next time? And ‘supposedly’ the police are investigating past abuse from Chris towards Rihanna such as, a bruise on her neck in Dec 2008, which she tried to cover with a scarf and a scratch cornea she had before that where she wore an eyepatch for awhile.
to Something to Think About,
I really enjoyed reading your post, which I thought was very thoughfully and intelligently expressed…
I believe everything you are saying about the abused person’s conduct around their abuser to be sadly, very true in many cases.
I also believe when dealiing with an abuser excercising control over their victim, that what they deem as provocation would indeed to a non-abuser not be viewed in the same way.
The smallest, insignificant things can and may set off an abuser to act irrationally and violently against their victim, all the while insisting they were provoked. Yes, something as small as a glance or a laugh or….the list is endless as to what triggers their anger.
I also feel, on re-reading the mountain of responses on this popular storyline, that the minority are citing Rhianna’s need to accept responsibility and even fewer citing provocation justified her outcome. (thank God for that…)
I feel the strongest point being made by a few on here, including myself, is when anyone feels threatened in an abusive relationship, do not use tactics you feel “may” incense your abuser, instead opt to attempt walking away and removing yourself from the situation asap.
I sense many are misreading that line of thinking as she “deserved” the brutal treatment, when in fact this couldn’t be farther from the intended meaning…
apologies everyone, that is my post above…
So, in other words Jo-Anne, you’re saying that if she knows that glancing up at him will set him off, she shouldn’t look at him? Or, that other lady shouldn’t ever wear lip gloss again because she knows “it makes him angry”. I don’t understand WHY some people think that the victim should have to be the one to change…they are doing nothing wrong in the case of glancing at someone or wearing lip gloss. My ex knew that everyone loves my eyes and he wouldn’t “allow” me to wear mascara…so if I were to wear it and he flipped out, it’s my fault? I don’t agree with that AT ALL.
the only “change” I would recommend strongly to anyone in that situation, Nancy, is to attempt to leave that relationship asap, do what it takes, get outside help, etc.
Don’t “allow” yourself to be treated this way. Whatever it takes, get out.
You need to stop blaming yourself for the abuse you suffered, it was never your fault.
demigod, i dont care if you dont like that im being dramatic. ill say the same thing ive always said (and the same thing a few others have said) when someone is offending me, or being rude to me (which you still are) i will say and do what i want when i want, and i will be rude right back. so what if im misreading you? maybe you should state things a little clearer? or maybe you shouldnt point out things that everyone can already see (like ive said before). everyone in the world has been through bad situations in their life, who cares if we want to post about it because we feel like we have connected with this situation? and im not the only one to ever MISREAD you, and also, im not the only one youve ever tried to start problems with when ive said something about one of your offense comments. when you stop posting to me and pi*ssing me off, then ill stop posting to you 🙂 thats the way life works honey.
Well, I never did blame myself and I wore my mascara as I pleased but doing so sure ignited things…some might say that I provoked him though by doing what he didn’t like but that’s just too bad for him. Like some of us pointed out before though, it’s not that easy once you’re in that situation to “just walk away”. For some people, they are not “allowed” to leave the home, he may hold their children captive, he may threaten that if they leave he will kill their family, and in most cases of domestic abuse, this is exactly what the abuser says and does.
Well, Nancy I sense a lot of anger, defensiveness in a lot of your posts, and it would be unrealistic to assume any abuse victims ever fully put their past behind them.
I knew you, like many before you, would state the “it’s not that easy to just walk away”…I’ve been there too and that was my line as well. I have known and continue to see many people today who still adopt that same line.
But very few people are held captive and not allowed to leave the home for weeks, months on end. There is more often than not an escape route that one can choose to take.
And it is my firm belief the “not being allowed to leave” is a cover for the shame we feel in the question that always comes back to haunt us for years, and maybe for our entire lifetime, particularly from those that cannot relate to our choice to stay…
“If it was so bad, then why the hell didn’t you just leave???”
I do agree with you that victims don’t ever “fully” put their past behind them and I don’t believe that many people in their right state of mind would expect them to. I’m not saying “it’s not that easy to just walk away” as a line nor am I saying “not being allowed to leave” as a cover for shame within myself…sometimes the things you say really make me wonder if you truly have been in an ‘abusees’ shoes. You see, when you, your children and the rest of your family are threatened over and over and over about what will happen IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE and all the police offer up is a paper that tells him to stay so many metres away from you and your family and all the many news reports speak of how a mother and her children were killed by her estranged “abusive” husband…doesn’t give a woman who feels totally alone and isolated much hope for just “walking away” now, does it? What about the friend Tributegirl spoke of who had to pull her own tooth because her abuser wouldn’t “allow” her to leave the home? What about the poster above who spoke of her friend being 19 minutes late getting home because the buses were off schedule? Wonder if she had kids who were at home already…with the abuser…so she felt trapped and compelled to go back for their sake like any mother would…?? I know my ex would never let me leave home with both children. He always kept one with him as an “insurance policy”. Oh and I am not angry, so you are sensing wrong but yes, I am defensive when the abusee is the one who gets the blame and outsiders say “she should have done this” and “she shouldn’t have done that”. There are so many similarities with these abusers but yet, everyone’s situation is different.
Oh, and could you please point out to me where my “anger” is that you sense?
well, Nancy, I am not comfortable with detailing my past on a site with complete strangers, I have chosen to share with a few much closer to me. I often “wonder” as well, about the details being offered on here…
you have said hundreds of times on here that you don’t put up with no shit, you’re in people’s face, extremely confrontational, confident, intimidation type remarks. You don’t strike me as a hide in the shadows kind of woman, not by a longshot.
I can’t help but be confused – is this attitude as a result of your past…’cause I can’t somehow merge this personality you show on here as the same woman who you demonstrate in the above scenario as yourself?
I would have thought such a strong woman would have had a better chance at breaking away than many who actually do blame themselves for their abuse and suffer from timidness, low self esteem, and other common victim traits…
I don’t understand your case at all, it doesn’t fit.
It fits. I am the strong, confident person I am because of my past. I used to be so shy that I wouldn’t say 2 words to a stranger. I would cover my mouth with my hand just to smile or laugh…I’ve come a long way and I don’t plan to back track now. You say I give “intimidation type remarks”…?? Maybe you feel intimidated Jo-Anne but on my part, I am not trying to intimidate anyone. I also don’t expect you or anyone else to “detail” your “past on a site with complete strangers”. I NEVER once said that. I said that some of the things you say really makes me wonder if you have ever been in an abusees shoes. Meaning that you think abusees can just up and say “I’m out of here, bye”, simple as that. Anyone who HAS been abused would KNOW it is not as easy as that. Trust me, my case “fits”. Let’s see what other abusees say to my comments…see how “fitting” they think they are! I’m also still waiting for which comments of mine make you sense that I am an angry person…
okay, now it fits…
Nancy, you are attaching the “easy” to it, that’s not what I said at all. Where did I say or even imply it’s easy, “just get up, walk out, bye bye”?
I said, attempt to get out, whatever it takes…I’d hardly think anyone would want me to advocate “stay, stay in an abusive relationship”…
Mandee,if you’re still that upset about your past abuse, don’t come on an open forum and spill your guts. Really. This is not the place for over-sensitive types. It’s the internet! One more thing..I’m not your ex, so don’t channel all your hate and emotional baggage on me.
well, i do have the right to tell people on here that are friends of mine what happened to me, if i want to. and youre right, i am still upset, it hasnt even been 2 years yet. and i know that youre not my ex, im not even sure if youre a man or a woman, and im not channeling any hate or emotional baggage on you, im trying to show you how your insensitivity can upset people without your meaning it to. jo, i was in an abusive relationship (as everyone knows) and i have always been the type of person i am now. i always said and did just as rude and mean things to him once he pushed me far enough. it was extremely hard for me to walk away, and i am who i always was. sometimes, even strong women either dont think they deserve better, or simply can not find the courage to try to get away. im glad that you have changed so much nancy, i would never understand what its like to be that shy. 🙁
Jo-Anne, Feb 21, 2009 4:15 pm, here’s the comment:
“I knew you, like many before you, would state the “it’s not that easy to just walk away”…I’ve been there too and that was my line as well. I have known and continue to see many people today who still adopt that same line”
It’s not a line, it really isn’t as “easy” as some people think to just walk away. BUT, now I understand what you’re saying and I agree that when an abused woman gets a chance, take it…get the hell out of there. I, as well, would never tell anyone to stay that is why I said what I did to an above poster named ‘action’, who thinks that Rihanna & Chris should stay together and get counselling. Judging from the photo and the articles of the abuse, I wouldn’t think that to be a wise decision…abuse doesn’t get better, it gets worse.
Wow….you should listen to yourselves, group therapy anyone?
we are listening to ourselves…that’s EXACTLY what it’s all about, Coop
why take your time to read this if it so obviously means nothing to you?
it’s always so reassuring to know when people are hurting, there’s someone like you loitering on the sidelines offering nothing of assistance…
OMG, provoked him?, I am sorry, even if she pissed him off it doesn’t make it right for him to hit her. Walk away, be a man. Men are stronger. If he was so threatened by her he should have pressed charges if she was the one doing the hitting. That would never happen ’cause then he’d be a pussy for getting beat up by a woman. For cripes sake, men don’t hit women, and if women are the abusers, walk the hell away, press charges, but don’t say she deserved it when it’s not a fair fight.
Woah. You guys, I just came on here and read all of this, and really, I find this amazing. Really amazing, and inspiring. Not being sarcastic or anything, I am really impressed at all the things I just read, with the exception of Coop’s little comment. This is honestly the most maturity I’ve seen from what I call the “key players” on this site. I know that’s not the proper term, it’s just kind of the term I’ve personally given to the regular posters, kind of a term of endearment, if you will.
Nancy, I can imagine you being that shy, because I was as well, would barely make eye contact with anyone. Years and experiences have taken that out of me, thankfully, as extreme shyness is very debilitating, isn’t it?
For sure the best thing for someone in an abusive situation is to get out at the first opportunity, but it is definitely not easy.
I think Jo-anne’s comment above (9:15pm) speaks for us all.
I haven’t checked the other articles yet this evening, I will but I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t, as right now I am feeling a little glimmer of hope that maybe all the “key players” can actually get along, if the level of respect shown on this article today were to continue.
I didn’t mean to come off insensitive just felt that some of the tit for tat stuff was distracting from the issues at hand but perhaps I’m in the minority.I apologize.
ans I apologize too, Coop, I misunderstood you…I actually do feel many of the storylines progress into way too much personal stuff, but I am guilty of that too at times…so apology accepted
Hello everyone
I spend last three days reading over people’s responses, yes again and again. I am glad people are expressing their point of view about this article. There has been so many different opinions that I found was true and point made. It is a fact that people in this world are different. Also, it takes a lot of courage to speak up with confidence. In addition, it takes problems and situations to learn our strengths and weaknesses.
Maybe if women would just shut their mouths. But instead some of you keep on nagging and nagging, even when we get out of the room you follow us, and continue to verbally abuse us. What you expect? You get what you deserve. Don’t start trouble there ain’t going to be trouble.
So…what you’re trying to say then, ‘Womenslib_sucks’….is that you’re a beater too? Then don’t be such a damn coward and name yourself!!!!
a mans gots to do wuts hes gots to do,
no be disin him, ya know wut i means?
or yuz be getin the back a da hand, ya know wut i menas?
i think someone needs to smack the 2 of YOU around so you can get a feel for what the women in your life must be going through. i cant believe how insensitive, ignorant and just stupid some of you are. women do not deserve to be beat, neither do men. BUT im thinking if you go as far as to beat or abuse a woman (or perhaps accuse her of being the reason behind it) maybe someone should beat YOU or it should be like a REAL freaky friday episode where god (or whoever) puts you in an abused womans body so you could fully understand and grasp the concept of how frighteningly wrong it is to think women *get what they deserve*
hey, mandee, I have a feeling these two people are actually just one person trying to stir up a fight. Really, no one could be that stupid, could they? God, I hope not.
lmao, yeah i sure hope not too!!! that would be horrific. 🙂 check your mail 😛
will do!
Ya know, its funny… this day in age and there is still way too many one sided ppl who see things the way they want to as opposed to the way they really are. Regardless of whether or not Rhianna pushed his buttons cause she knew how, Chris had been with her long enough to know she’s got what it takes to do that to him… Rhianna is in no way responsible for his actions. He and he alone is responsible for the decisions he made. He made a bad choice and being in the public eye to begin with, should suffer the consequences like wise. He knows himself and her, he should have known when it was time to walk away and cool off. As for the comment that because we are all animals, since most of the biped race has a higher mentality than most animals the walk on four legs, and are expected to respond in an intellectual manner, I don’t think its justified to suggest that its acceptable because he chose to react in his natural animalistic behavior, unless of course, Chris is devoid of a higher mentality than the dogs that were previously used to defend his actions.. Hence we are out of the stone age people!!! Act like it!!